*sweating* [16 Jun 2008|01:10pm] [ mood | hot ] Oh. My. GOD. Could it be any hotter in my bedroom? >.< It's 85 degrees out, and my Atomic Clock says it's...83 inside. Go air conditioning. Or the lack of. We've been on the "waiting list" for three weeks now to get our a/c fixed. Apparently it's a huge problem right now. Or the office just doesn't give a damn. Either way, it's hot. And my t-shirt is stuck to me >.< So, current events. I have finals this week. Don't expect me to be too receptive to conversation, unless I'm taking a break from studying. In which case I'll probably cling to you and yell "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!" I'm doing well in my classes. Getting an A in one, and an "OMG JUST MAKE IT AN 'A' ALREADY" in the other. Literally, my grade in my other class is 89.93%. 90% is an A. Just round it up and we'll all be happy >.< I'm hoping I do well on my final. I got an 85% on the midterm, so here's hoping. I'm tearing shit up in my terminology class, though. 90% on the midterm, and 95% overall. Financial situation right now is yuck. Ford Credit is hounding me because I could only afford a partial payment on my car. And I owe Sprint a ton of money after they cut off my cell phone, after I lost my last job. So that's fun. I'm hoping to get ahold of these people that have been trying to call me for the past three days. But I work weekends. Go me. Offering me a decent job with awesome pay, so I'm REALLY trying to get ahold of them, because it will significantly improve my financial outlook. Plus if I get the job, I'll be able to put down a deposit on the commissions I made. I really need to do that. So...here's hoping. I'm gonna try to call again shortly. As far as work goes, I'm working at Enterprise right now, detailing cars and making vehicular deliveries to the airport. More of the latter. I enjoy driving, so it works out, even if it is a short trip (less than three miles each way). It only pays $8.00/hr, but I work three 10-hour shifts to make up for it. Not a great paycheck, but it's work. That pretty much sums things up right now. Back to studying. post comment

New life [26 May 2008|04:40pm] [ mood | bouncy ] I've come to a conclusion that I need to write in my Livejournal more often, especially now that my life isn't a perpetual pit of "OMG DRAMA." For those of you that took my last post seriously, don't. I was feeling rather cynical, and decided to post something non-serious. But I suppose that sarcasm doesn't carry well across the internetz. So yeah, just got back from Rocky Mountain Furcon this morning, and it was a blast. Second con I've been to thusfar, and I enjoyed it as much as Further Confusion (when I went in 2007). Got a few trinkets and whatnot (like furs do), and a few commissions that I'll need to pay for when I get my stimulus check; go Uncle Sam. Paying for my bad habits. But it'll be worth it, when all is said and done. I'll go into more detail about the con later, just doing some minor duties like clearing out my FurAffinity page, and adding people to my watch lists on FA and DA. 1 comment|post comment

Christmas [29 Nov 2006|02:22pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | None ] Okay, so I haven't made an update in a little while. Sue me. I'm really happy right now, because I just got one of my plushies in the mail that I ordered, and I have one more on the way they will arrive either tomorrow or the day after ^_^. I got a cute Douglas fox plush, and I have a HUGE black panther in the mail. So kitty is very happy right now. Mroow... =^_^= Anyway, I'm also happy because it snowed a lot last night, so we have snow on the ground ^_^. I don't much like the cold, but I LOVE it when there's lots of snow for me to play in. *purrrr* It makes me want to run outside and roll in the snow, but it's not quite deep enough for that. I'd end up hurting myself. Christmas is coming up! This makes me happy =3. I'm not really asking for anything, because I know that none of you could really afford anything to get me for Christmas anyway. But I digress, send a card my way if you're going to be sending any out to friends ^_^. My address is: Luke Judd 544 Greenmeadow Way Apt 12T Murray, UT 84107-2251 And if you feel absolutely possessed to give me something, that's up to you o.o But I don't really have much of a Christmas list that I haven't already asked my family for, so you'd be on your own for gift ideas. If I do come up with anything, I'll post here in the next little while, but I doubt there will be much, if anything. I'm not one for asking my friends for things, when I know they can hardly afford things for themselves. So no biggie there. Let's see, what else is there to post about...it's been pretty dull lately, overall. Work hasn't been too exciting, but I'm doing all right there. Still haven't quite refined my sales techniques, but I'm working on it. I know a lot more about computers and technology than I did before, that's for sure. I'm trying to save up for a new CPU and motherboard right now, but we also have FC to save up for. So the two will have to wait. It's not like mine has gone bad, it's just a tad slow for the system I'm running. Speaking of FC, I'm all registered and good to go ^_^. I can't wait for January, cuz I really want to go. *purrrr* It's gonna be my first furry con ever, so I'm getting so excited! I'll have to bug Yuki, to make sure she has my tail and ears done by then, so that I can wear them at the con. *bounces around happily* I'm getting all hyper, thinking about it. A bunch of my friends are gonna be there, and I'll get to swoon over all the artists that I ADORE =^_^= Oh, not to mention the conbadge I have that White Wolf is doing. *squeee!* Anyway, that's about it for now. I have a few errands to take care of, so I'll see everyone later. *frolics off* 1 comment|post comment

Interesting... [11 Oct 2006|10:23am] [ mood | amused ] A lot of furs bitch and moan about media coverage on the furry fandom. Allow me to elaborate. I just watched CSI Season 4, Ep. 5: "Fur and Loathing." Most furs just refer to it as the "furry episode" of CSI. Everyone always gets high and mighty, and gets their panties in a bundle over how horrible the show makes the fandom seem. Let me just say, having actually SEEN the episode: Not once did CSI, or the writers thereof, embelish the truth. Everything they did was 100% accurate regarding furries. And I've come to this conclusion: I know why furs get so upset over it. They don't want the world to see how the fandom REALLY is. They want to keep their dirty little secret. No, not all furs are like that. That's absolutely true. But furs get all upset because they want to keep their habits to themselves, so god forbid someone else sees what the fandom is like. That's just my opinion on it. Frankly, I enjoyed the episode throroughlly. Simply because everything in it was true. So, here's my message to fellow furs. GET OVER IT. 2 comments|post comment

News [10 Oct 2006|10:04am] [ mood | accomplished ] Well, I haven't updated here for a long time, so I guess it's a good a time as any. As of today, I've officially moved out. *GASP!* If anyone is wondering, I've moved in with Dark Wolf and Drake in Murray. Haven't formally found a job yet, but I have a few job offers that are pretty well guaranteed. As for other news...well, I don't really have much. Drake and I are dating, have been for a little over a month now. Not officially mates yet, but that won't happen any time soon. We're trying to take it slow. What? Furs take it slow? Never! Anyway, not much else to speak of. Gonna head home today in Chris's truck to pick up my stuff and clean out my room, because my mother wants me to box up everything so she can deep-clean it. She wants me to put my stuff in storage, but I don't have the money for that right now. Storage is probably cheap, but whatever. If I get the money, I'll get around to it. I'd have to get boxes first. And LOTS of them. That's about it. I probably won't update again for a while, unless something significant happens. 1 comment|post comment

Merow! [12 Jul 2006|10:18am] [ mood | hyper ] Well, this is it, guys. As we speak, Ian and I are packing up the last of our items in preparation for Hellfire. We're hitting the road at noon (just under two hours away). Hopefully everything will go well. It's gonna be hot as hell, but it'll totally be worth it >=3. I'm planning on launching my rocket Saturday morning, when the waiver opens. We have a standing waiver to 10,000 feet, but I have to wait for our secondary waiver to open up, which goes to 25,000 feet. My rocket is only going 13,500 feet (I use the term "only" loosely XD), but I still have to wait for the 25,000 foot launch window. Anyway, I believe that's about it. I've got packing to do still, so I'll see all of you next Monday! post comment

To my family [01 May 2006|11:08pm] [ mood | irate ] You want something to read? You want to nose into my personal business? Fine. Here's a personal message, from me to you. FUCK YOU. 1 comment|post comment

Meow [23 Apr 2006|05:34am] [ mood | creative ] Okay, so this is an odd request. But here goes. I'm having trouble naming two of my plushies, and I'm asking for your help =3 These little guys are in need of a good name, and I can't think of anything. Keep in mind that I'm being serious here o.o If you throw out some crap name, I'll feel free to ignore it. Also, keep this in mind. My fursona is a snow-based character (Luke Snowcat), so the white kitty should be themed around that. The other kitty is a Serval (small spotted wildcat) So, suggest away! 3 comments|post comment

Well, fuck me. [30 Mar 2006|10:58pm] [ mood | blah ] I just got a bill in the mail from the hospital. First a brief rundown, since some of you are still in the dark about the details. After I called Tanith, I went up to my parents, and they took me to the hospital. I was admitted to the Emergency Room at 2 A.M., then spent several hours there while they stabilized me. At the time, I had a heart-rate of 150. Normal is around 60. So yeah. I was NOT well. But overdosing will do that to you. I barely remember anything about my stay in the E.R., to be completely honest. I remember the trip up there was dead silent. Not a word shared between either of my parents or myself. I'm not really sure how long we waited in the waiting room, because I was becoming rather incoherent. After they checked my pulse and admitted me, I remember having to lean on BOTH of my parents for support, because I was so weak. I could barely walk. The nurse actually offered to take me to a room in a wheelchair. I vomited several times while I was in the emergency room, though I'm not sure whether that was a side-effect of overdosing on sleeping pills, or from the alcohol. I didn't drink much, but the combination made me rather sick to my stomach. They had me on IVs pretty much the entire time, since the only thing they could really do was let my system flush out the meds on its own. There really isn't any antidote for sleeping pills. I'm fairly certain that the reason my E.R. visit is so sketchy is because I was drifting in and out of sleep the entire time. Not restful sleep, just a few seconds here and there. My brain was pretty fucked, and I'm not sure what actually happened, and what was a hallucination/dream. My parents were with me the entire time, and say I was extremely incoherent. Like, I would try to say something, but couldn't get it out right. I actually tried one time to say something to my parents, and repeated it four times, but they still couldn't understand me. And other times I would just say things out of the blue that didn't make any sense at all. So yeah. I was majorly fucked up at the time. Around 7 A.M., they transferred me from the E.R. to the patient floor, where I was moved into a room and remained there for the rest of the day. By that time I was pretty well stabilized, so they just had the usual checkups from the nurses and such to make sure I was doing okay. During that time, I had two visits from social workers. Basically, a psych-evaluation to determine whether or not I should be admitted to the psych ward of the hospital. I guess I lucked out, since they didn't admit me. Thank God they didn't. I do NOT want to be admitted to the psych ward, because I know how long people tend to be there for. At any rate, at around 5:00 P.M. they discharged me and I was free to go. So I went home, and chatted online the rest of the evening to let everyone know I was okay. Now, about the "fuck me" part. I jsut got the bill in the mail today for all that. $3,000. So, note to self. If I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, avoid going to the hospital. Oh, and on a sidenote, I hate my job. If I don't quit soon, another nervous breakdown will be on the way. 2 comments|post comment

[16 Mar 2006|07:47pm] [ mood | exhausted ] Absolute nervous breadown. That's all you need to know. I called Tanith and broke down crying five seconds into the conversation. Then, per his request, I went to my parents, and they took me to the hospital. So yeah. I've been near the breaking point so many times now. This one just pushed me over the edge. post comment

[16 Mar 2006|01:12am] [ mood | depressed ] I just took eight times the recommended dose of sleeping pills. Sixteen instead of two, plus a large screwdriver (vidka and orange juice) to go with it. So if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know why. If you don't hear from me at all? Well...sorry that you missed the funeral. I'm sorry I was so weak. It was too much for me. Please forgive me. 4 comments|post comment

Preemptive Strike [13 Feb 2006|10:41pm] [ mood | lonely ] Since tomorrow's my day off and I may not remember to, I'm just going to post this now. Happy Singles Awareness Day, everyone. post comment

Rant about LJ? [11 Feb 2006|10:56pm] [ mood | aggravated ] You know, Livedrama is getting really old. You've probably noticed a recent flurry of posts on my part (in comparison to the past few months of here and there, one-post-a-week-at-best activity). That's coincidence, because I usually don't really care enough to talk about it here. After browsing Livejournal for the past few days, something dawned on me. This is fucking pointless. Livejournal used to be cool, when it was actually new, and people used it for making PROPER posts. You know, a JOURNAL. Novel, how that works. LiveJOURNAL. Not live "I'm going to make a rant about reality TV, then get in an argument with my friend and ban him for a week." Yeah, real mature. But typical drama in LJ. In all honesty, the only reason I filled the blank with that is because it was the first thing that came to mind, since I just read it earlier. It really doesn't have much pertinence to what I'm getting at. Livejournals these days suck. Point made. ... Aw, FUCK. I just realized the entire paradox of this whole post. I'm ranting about how godawful livejournal is, IN my Livejournal. Go me, I'm a fucking moron. 4 comments|post comment

I don't normally do this, but... [03 Dec 2005|12:22am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Chrono Cross - Departed Souls ] YOU CAN ASK ME SIX QUESTIONS:: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. I promise to answer all six question, no matter how personal, naughty, dirty, or otherwise. Post them in your livejournal to see what your friends ask you! 3 comments|post comment

Must. Contain. Rage. [02 Dec 2005|12:08am] [ mood | irate ] Okay, so here's the deal. Today, all in all, was a shitass day. Work wasn't too bad, up until I got ready to leave at 12:30. It was payday, so on the way out I went to pick up my paycheck. Come to find out they don't give out checks between 11:00 and 1:30, because of lunchtime rush. Well, that's bullshit. I've always picked up my check right as I got done with work. And here's the thing. Bakery staff are scheduled for work from 6:30 A.M.-1:00 P.M. Oh, that's funny, I CAN'T FUCKING PICK UP MY CHECK WHEN I GET OFF WORK. Cocksuckers. So I had to kill an hour, just so I could get my check. So I went home and got Ian, then we checked some stuff online real quick and headed back to Brick Oven. I got my check, got my printer's ink cartridges refilled, then deposited the rest of my check in the bank. On the way home, I noticed a cop was following me, and did so for several blocks. And not surprisingly, he pulled me over. Guess what for? Revoked registration and no insurance. But the people at the Department of Motor Vehicles AND the Utah State Tax Commission ASSURED me that everything was all clear. The lady at the Tax Commission even said that my car's registration was listed as active! SO WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! This is the fourth fucking time AT LEAST that I've had to go through this bullshit. And here's the best part. When I renewed my insurance in October, they never sent me new insurance cards. So the only card I had was expired. Absolutely wonderful. It's nice to know that everone is so on top of things. The DMV, the department of public safety, my insurance company... So yeah. The cop wrote me a "fix-it" ticket. In other words, he gave me the citation, but if I get everything taken care of the charges will be cleared. Otherwise it's likely that my car will be impounded. Which is fucking great. Because at the rate things are going, some asshole cop is gonna arrest me or something and tow my car, even though everything is SUPPOSED to be taken care of. Thank you, Utah, for fucking everything up for me. I just LOVE this state! Oh, yeah, some jackass almost killed me today. He was driving in my blind spot, and there was a merge. He was to my right side, about halfway back, so I couldn't see him much. He didn't even TRY to brake when it started merging, and when I finally saw him, he was RIGHT FUCKING THERE. So I had to swerve to the left, only to nearly hit ANOTHER person driving on my blind spot. That guy swerved and slowed down, then I had to fucking drive IN BETWEEN THE TWO LANES because the asshole to my right wouldn't merge, and the guy to my left was panicked. Eventually the moron sped up and passed me so I could get back over. And amazingly enough, the guy to my left didn't flip me off or anything. I think he knew what was going on. But DAMN. I FUCKING HATE UTAH DRIVERS!!! LEARN HOW TO MERGE YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS! And yeah. Josh. Oh, the things I could say about him. But I'm nicer than that, so I won't. It's sufficient enough to say that he and I aren't together any more, in any way. I won't say why, how, or any of the details. I'm just leaving it at that. post comment

Wooo! [05 Oct 2005|09:00am] [ mood | cheerful ] Oh em gee. I just met THE nicest person =D Okay, little background since I haven't posted in this in, like, forever. Lately I've been feeling rather lonely due to a lack of close, personal friends to spend time with. Ian is a friend of mine, but lately he's really been acting like an ass. I have my mate, Mikau, in Vancouver, but I've only visit him once since he lives a thousand miles away. I've been hoping to find someone that lives close that I could spend time with and get to know better. Well, last weekend I was on Furcadia, and a friend happened to point me to Pounced.org, an online furry personals service =D. So I checked it out, and went nuts. I had always thought that furry culture in Utah was dead, but apparently there's lots! So I posted myself an ad, and went about contacting fellow furs that lived closeby. I've gotten to know about five or six different furries now through my messengers, and they're all awesome =D. Just the other night, however, I met another who seemed really nice. Then something like this happened: Him: "I feel spontaneous. Do you want to meet up?" Me: "The problem with my mate is that he lives a thousand miles away, and I can't just do that often. It's exp..." Me: "...are you serious?" Him: "Yeah." And so we made plans to meet up, even though he lives over an hour away, and it was 11:30 P.M. XD. We spent over an hour just wandering around Wal-Mart, then came by to my house and he showed me a bunch of stuff online. Then we crashed, and he ehaded back hom in the morning since he had to work. It wasn't anything overly special, but...YAY! I made and met a new furry friend in the same day =D. And he knows a lot of the Utah furs, so I could really get to know a lot of cool people =D. I certainly hope so, because this is the opportunity I've been looking for. I've been hoping to find a group for a few months now. Hopefully next time we meet up (assuming I didn't scare him away with my honest personality XD), it will be during the daytime, when there's actually things to do. He was happy to get out of Delta, and I'd be more than happy to get out of Mapleton at some point >.> That reminds me, I need to turn in my job application to Brick Oven today... Anyway, yes. Kitty is VERY happy right now ^_^. ...I hope I get to know a furry friend well enough that I'll have someone to cuddle with. I could go for that right about now... 1 comment|post comment

School and other useless info [28 Aug 2005|08:20am] [ mood | anxious ] I just barely applied to go to school at UVSC (Utah Valley State College). For those of you who aren't familiar with the area. it's a local school with an open-enrollment program. It's not anything particularly special, but it gets me where I need to go. Anyway, here's the deal and my intention. Tomorrow I'm going to go get a transcript from school (bah, I have to go back to high school XD), then go talk to the college advisor about classes. My intention is to go to UVSC and obtain a two-year Associate Degree in Pre-Engineering, with a study focus in Civil and Mechanical Engineering. After those two years are up, I'd be transfering to a University to obtain a degree in Aerospace Engineering. It's going to be a lot of work, especially considering the fact that I've been graduated from high school for three years now XD. I'm going to need a lot of refresher courses XD. But yeah. I'm a student now, but I missed the deadline for the first section, so I won't be taking classes until October. I haven't decided what classes I'm going to take yet, but I've been looking. It's going to be interesting. Hopefully I'll be able to afford all this x.x post comment

Novels and my life [16 Jul 2005|04:36am] [ mood | lonely ] I say a lot of shit. I say a lot of negative things. And I say a lot of things that I may or may not mean. Well, here is a post for all of you that is thought-out, deeply considered, and without regret. Here are my thoughts, here are my feelings, and here are my opinions, laid out before you for the world to see. God only knows that I'm tired of my life here. I don't want to live here anymore. Not necessarily because of any one factor. I want to live somewhere else because I want a new life. I want to live my life the way I want to. I want to be able to have some freedom from the things that cause me so much stress. I almost drove myself crazy working at the Cracker Barrel. The work practices there were awful. Working a ten hour shift without a break isn't my idea of fun. Nor is it legal, for that matter. I'd honestly have to say that of the five or so months that I worked at the Cracker Barrel, I didn't get a single proper break. Sure, I had opportunities to sit down and get a breather for five minutes or so, but NOT ONCE did I get a lawful, legitimate break while working a shift that was longer than six hours. I can honestly say that I picked up smoking because of the Cracker Barrel. I've since quit, but that's not the point. I was under so much stress that I actually turned to SMOKING as a manner of release. Oddly enough I never really became addicted. There were times where I was under so much stress at the Cracker Barrel that I was smoking five or six a day, but that was rare. I know that there are those of you out there that would laugh at my "habit" and say that I wasn't really smoking that much, but you can shove it. Five or six a day is a lot, coming from a person that thinks smoking is a disgusting habit. And it is. But anyway. I've since quit working at the Cracker Barrel, so now I'm relying on my summer job to keep me going. $7 an hour isn't much money, but at least it pays the bills. We're nearly finished with a full-on sprinkler job that we're being paid commission on rather than hourly, so hopefully that will pay out a decen sum. The problem is that the job doesn't pay nearly enough, so there's no way I'm going to be able to afford to go to school anytime soon. So that vexes me, because I'd really like to do something constructive with my life rather than rotting at home like Mark is. I can't see myself working as a Supervisor for a grocery store for the rest of my life. But at least he has a girlfriend. On to my next point, which is only loosely based on the previous point. Everyone wonders why I have so many problems these days. First off all, you don't know the half of it. If you saw all my posts I've made in my journal, you would be appalled. I post privately nowadays for a good reason. Only a small handful of the posts I make are actually public. This next portion is going to be extremely long, just to warn you. Let's go back a few years, to my childhood. I was the youngest of four; two older sisters and one brother. From the get go I was always the target of persecution. My brother was always the bully of the family, and I happened to be the recipient of that when I came along, rather than the younger of my two older sisters. I was put through years of hell, with little to defend myself. My sister regrets the fact that she allowed this to go on for so long. But it's a little late for that now. My brother always found it entertaining to make me the target of his own sadistic whims. He thought it was funny to put me on his shoulders and HANG ME BACKWARDS OVER THE BALCONY. He thought it was hilarious to spit on me. He thought it was a riot to call me every name his brain could think of. He found it amusing to trick me into doing stupid things that ended up getting me hurt, like pouring water down a hole in the ground that was infested with yellowjackets. I was too young to know better. Then when I was recovering, he found it entertaining to poke my stings. Reason number 1, right there. Sibling rivalry. Or rather, bullying. When I was in my early years in school, I was always a troublemaker. Nothing horrendously bad, just excessive talking and the like. I was always hyperactive as a child. Later on, however, that all changed. When I hit puberty and began maturing, my personality took a radical swing. Instead of my usual carefree, easygoing self I took a sharp turnaround. Throughout Junior High and High school I was the quiet one. Early on after Elementary School the shit began to hit the fan. I was always teased for the way I dressed, because Mom and Dad wanted me to look good. But the styles were changing as they tend to do, so the way I wore my clothes was no longer socially acceptable. This is where my seclusion began. I began to wear my clothes the way I wanted to wear them to rid myself of the teasing and cruel habits of school jackasses. Not because I wanted to fit in, but because I wanted to be left alone. And from then on, that's how it was. I was left alone. I had but a few friends, and that's the way I preferred it. I didn't fit into any of the high school cliques because I didn't want to. I was always a loner throughout high school. It was through high school that the main part of the damage set in. My personality was damaged early on by a heartless brother, but it wasn't until I stopped caring that things really went downhill. When my grades began slipping, hell broke loose at home. Fights between myself and my parents became more and more regular. So they took me to a psychologist. They diagnosed me as having ADD with "mild" depression. Fitting, at the time. Though I would never have considered my depression as being mild. My parents did everything they could think of to get me to pull my grades up, and you know what? I don't think anything in the world could have changed that. My grades weren't slipping for lack of effort, they were slipping for lack of motivation. But they never understood that, and I don't think they understand that today. High school, in my opinion, is really what broke every shard of happiness that I ever had. Not school itself, just that period of time. It's a wonder that I made it through high school in one piece, because I had a lot of times where I just didn't care about anything. Honestly, I know why I did make it through. I had friends that I talked to on a regular basis. They're the ones that kept me going from one day to the next. But I didn't know any of these friends personally. They were all friends that I had met and gotten to know online. I had a group of friends online that I could talk openly with about anything, and I was content with that. And I still talk with a number of them on a regular basis. Want to know how many of these friends I've met in person? Four, out of over a hundred contacts. And I'm content with that, because I don't feel the need to meet all of these people. Not because I don't want to, but because I enjoy chatting with them. It's not an absolute must for me to meet every single person I've got on my buddy list. I think the biggest emptiness in my high school life was a significant other. I was never one to go out on dates, unless someone else set me up. So I was always alone. And you know, I don't know how much that would have changed. But it might have made things a little more bearable. There were but a few things that kept me happy in high school, to give a little more background about my current situation. Writing stories was one of those things. Porn, and accompanying habits, was another. I still write from time to time, though my stories are much more thought-out than they used to be after years of practice, plus realizing the importance of a decent plot. After high school was over things lightened up for a little while, though that didn't last long. I'd have to say that after I graduated, every little issue in my life up to that point came crashing down on me all at once. Especially the things that came up during my final few years in school. Getting a job was a major concern to my parents, so that came up more often than I would've liked. The arguments really only got worse after I got out of school, because I fought back a lot more aggressively with my parents. It was during that period that I hit a lot of my lowest points. It's a miracle that I didn't do anything drastic, because there were a number of times that I withdrew to my room and thought of nothing but ways to kill myself. It was during that time that I found a new form of entertainment online, which turned out to be an invaluable method of meeting new friends. In short, a fantasy world called Furcadia, where users are able to roleplay animal-based characters. I met a number of good friends there, many of which I still keep close contact with. It was also during that time, between high school and my mission, that I discovered another side of my which had been slowly developing. It wasn't until I found Furcadia that I unearthed this side of me. And this brings me to my next point. This is something that I've kept hidden from certain people for a very long time. I'm gay. So, moving from that point on. When I went on my mission, things went from bad to worse. A broken personality, combined with mental instability, caused me to snap when I was paired with a companion that was an asshole. Those of you who actually talk with me know the story, so I won't continue with that. I'll just leave it at this. I became so distressed and mentally unstable that I actually began cutting. After eight months I was sent home, and things went downhill from there. There were periods of time that were fairly calm, but I was still seeing a psychiatrist regularly. It was then that my parents sent me to a Therapist, who has actually proved to be more help than I could ever ask for. He's been one of the few people that I've completely opened up to. But that's another story entirely. It was after my mission that things got shitty. While I was freshly off my mission, I was highly sensitive with my emotions and prone to periods of intense stress. Little things would cause me to break down, and everything was shit. I was raised a church-goer by my parents, but I quickly abandoned their beliefs after my mission experience. I haven't been to church in over a year now, and I don't intend on starting any time soon. I don't hold the same beliefs as my parents, and I'd rather keep it that way. When I lost my job at the hospital that I was doing so well with, I turned to alcohol, and was nearly driven out of the house for it. I was almost kicked out of the house over a bottle of MALT BEER that was 3% alcohol. Not even enough to get me mildly drunk. But I'll just leave that subject alone. After my mission, I resumed my time spent in Furcadia, and made a few new friends. One of those, in particular, I still associate closely with online. I'll explain why. When I met this person, I was in my deepest periods of depression. I could've been classified as Bipolar at that point. I quickly became close friends with him, because we spent long hours talking about the problems I was having. To be completely honest, he is the one person that helped me the most with my depression. It was at that time that I really discovered myself. We were close friends for a long time. Closer than anyone else I knew. And I soon discovered that, for the first time in my life, I had true feelings for someone. And I came to find out that he held the same feelings for me. Our long hours of talking brought us much closer than I could've hoped. We became even closer when we discovered our feelings for one another. For the first time in my life, I had a significant other, and everything was good. Yes, I have a BOYfriend. And I love him to death. Why? Because he was one of the few people that stopped to take the time to help me through my problems. Now, I'm not saying he was the only reason. Credit is given where credit is due. I had a number of friends, as well as an excellent therapist, that helped me through the hard times. But it wasn't until I met him that everything brightened for me. Up to this point everything has been wonderful. Sadly he lives up in Canada, so visiting is difficult. But the one time I was with him, everything seemed perfect. After being unfairly fired at the Cracker Barrel, everything went to hell in a handbasket. My fines piles up, I owed the bank shitloads of money, and I still had bills to pay. So I turned to the one person that could help me. I drove 1,000 miles to Vancouver, Canada, and met my boyfriend for the first time. I had known him for several months, and was quite comfortable with the prospect of meeting him. And you know what? I have no regrets about it whatsoever. It was the most peaceful week I've ever had. For the first time in my life, I had someone to hold me close. I had someone who returned the love I had to offer. And now, here I am. It depresses me that I can't spend time with the person I love, and it depresses me even more that my life is going nowhere. I don't have the money to go to school because I can't get a job I enjoy doing. I don't mind sprinkler work, but it doesn't pay nearly enough. But all the money I do earn either ends up going toward bills, or wasted on stupid things like rocketry. It's an enjoyable hobby, but not useful by any means. I'd like to move out and start my own life somewhere else, but I have nowhere to go. I want to move away from my family. Now, let me clarify something. In the past I've said a lot of things regarding my parents, and a lot of people have come to the conclusion that I hate my parents. I DON'T hate my parents. I hate the decisions they make, and the way they handle a lot of situations. To say that I absolutely hate everything about them would be cruel and heartless. Back to my previous point. I'd like to make a life of my own, and not have to worry about everything that is going on around me. My own desire for independence is what my parents are opposed to, because my own decisions lead me to things that they don't approve of. I would much rather face decisions and consequences without their intervention. Anyway, my life's story has been long enough. I've been at this post for over two hours now, and it's currently 4:30 A.M. Hopefully tomorrow will bring something that will make me feel a little better. 3 comments|post comment

No. [30 May 2005|09:59pm] [ mood | irate ] Fuck you all. Everybody related to me, fuck you. I don't know who reads this journal, but here's a simple message, and it goes like this. When I get my money, I'm fucking gone. I won't be coming back, and you won't ever hear from me again. Don't try to call my cell phone, because I won't answer. Don't try to Email me, becuase I won't reply. Fuck you, family. I hope you all burn in hell. post comment

Stolen from a thief... [05 May 2005|10:10pm] ( Yes, thieved from a thief. Figure that one out. ) post comment

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